I truly don’t understand why my university only gives us two reading days before exams start. I had the weekend to study for Behavioural Neuroscience and Physics exams. At least schedule the sciences at the end, for goodness gracious! I know some people that have both of those and an anatomy exam. Something is wrong here, c’mon.
One day two women came before King Solomon with one child, both claiming to be the mother. When King Solomon asked for a sword and ordered for the child to be divided equally, one woman cried out to leave the child and give it to the other woman. The other women said to go ahead, then neither of them will have a child. King Solomon declared the first woman the true mother because of her unconditional love for the child.
It just goes to show that sometimes you need to love something enough to let it go, if that’s what’s best for it. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t love enough. In fact, it means you loved just that much more.
I am so happy I live in a time here you can add a blinged out statement necklace to a graffic tee and it’s an acceptable outfit.
I’m starting to think that people are hardwired to be a certain way. As Lady Gaga so effortlessly put it, “Baby, I was born this way.”
Every time I try and change something about my personality I always end up failing in some regards. Usually I end up reverting to who I really am because the entire time I’m doing something different I have a pit in my stomach that’s telling me it’s wrong.
That pit has gotten me into plenty of situations my dear readers, let me tell you that.
I’m always an overly caring person that is constantly making excuses for everyone around her. The worst part is that I know I’m doing it, but most of the time I just can’t accept the worst in people. If someone does something wrong to me I’ll throw it under the rug with an excuse like “they were just having a bad day” or “it’s just not the right time.”
No matter how much good advice people give me about what I should do, I can’t bring myself to listen to it for more than a day or two. The past few days alone I have heard magnificently wonderful things, such as (but not limited to):
“Don’t fight for someone who doesn’t see how hard you’re fighting.”
“You don’t want to be second choice, not when you know you should be first.”
“I’ve been the guy not able to see how much you cared. I was stupid and I regret it just as he will.”
“If someone really loves you, and really wants to be with you, nothing else is going to matter.”
So I have all these wonderful people telling me these really great things, which are all very solid in value and should be opening to my eyes to how wrong I’ve been. Besides that, I’ve given similar advice to every girlfriend I’ve had. So why can’t I just listen to it?
I tried to be that strong woman who throws men away like yesterday’s macarons, but I couldn’t even hold out for a week. This morning I found myself ringing that very guy I’ve been whining about, apologizing for my actions and agreeing to be a friend. I’ll tell you what, though. That pit in my stomach is gone.
I constantly ponder with the idea that maybe if I just stopped fighting for the people around me and let someone fight for me, that maybe things might be a bit better. I wouldn’t constantly be stuck in these situations where I’m chosen last like a game of dodge ball in middle school. Most importantly, maybe I wouldn’t be taken for granted.
The thing is, the more people that take you for granted the more you want to care for people. The more you want to shower them with love and strength because you don’t want them to feel like you feel when people are constantly making you a second choice. It’s a sick cycle that you can’t get out of. A rollercoaster ride that never makes a stop, but just keeps going in circles until your sick and tired and are screaming to get off.
But if you’re anything like me, you know damn well that as soon as you get the chance you’ll get right back on. You’ll swallow the discomfort to please others.
Maybe it’s because I’m twenty and haven’t lived long enough to gain the strength to just walk away. Or maybe I’m just hardwired to be strong in other ways. Maybe I’m meant to be strong for other people. All I know is that I felt sick the past two days because even though the guy I love chose someone else over me, I walked away from our friendship.
So I’ve been trying for years and years to change this. To stop spreading myself so thin and stop fighting for everyone, but I just can’t do it. I don’t know how to not live for other people. Maybe that’s just who I am, and maybe as I get older that will change, but right now I’m hardwired to love people unconditionally regardless of the circumstances. Maybe I was just born this way.
Something they don’t tell you in life is that after someone’s gone they remain inside of you until you are gone yourself. It could be small, or large, but sometimes people come into our lives and wedge themselves into parts of us we never really knew we had. And it’s in those parts that they’ll stay hidden long after their departure.
No but really, it really fucking sucks.
The problem with someone smashing your feelings apart is that there’s no clear cut way to put them back together again. Last night, when something I was so sure of came crumbling down around me, I thought some good ole’ whiskey would solve the problem. But 8 a.m. came around and the sun still plummeted through my window and I woke up with the words “I’m being exclusive for her” ringing through my head. Let me tell you something, when the guy you really want to be with tells you that he’s decided to choose someone else, not a single bottle of any kind of alcohol on this Earth is going to make you forget about it. I don’t care if it’s made of fairy tears, or pressed from diamonds (If that’s even possible). It’s not helping.
So I dragged my pathetic ass out of bed and put on some bloody makeup, because a puffy eyed sad girl is not cute. And I haven’t really made it very far since then, because here I am sitting in my jumper at my desk writing about it.
It just really hurts.
There’s this schizophrenic debate going through my mind right now as I’m torn between wanting to just forget everything and pretend it never happened, and screaming bloody murder until he realizes he made the wrong choice. Fortunately the former of that debate is winning, because I learned a long time ago that how someone else feels will never be your choice. Never.
I may want to do everything I can to try and change his mind, but at the end of the day I will still fall asleep in a bed that’s fifty miles away from his and she’ll always be right there. As countless historical tales will tell you, you cannot win a battle when you’re miles away from the battle site. Texting never took out armies.
I know that people always tell you that you’re supposed to fight for the people you want and never give up. But they also tell you that if you love someone to let them go. So which one do you listen to?
Something I do know, surprisingly, is that it is extremely difficult to let them go. It is extremely difficult to just leave well enough alone when you feel like doing everything but. Of course I want to fight for him. I want to get in my car and drive to where he is and talk to him until he changes his mind. I want to tear apart my writer and show him every word I’ve written with him in mind. I want to do so much.
But more than any of those things, I want him to be free to make the choices he needs to make for his life without me forcing them down his throat. I want him to do what will make him happiest. That’s all you can really want for the people you love, I think. To be happy. Even if that means bowing down gracefully and letting them live with their choices. Even if that means feeling hurt for a bit because it’s not what you wanted, or feeling hurt because you’re not what they wanted.
Most of all I just want to cry into a tub of cherry ice cream and tweet Miley Cyrus lyrics until my fingers bleed and I’ve gained a few pounds. But if Marianne Faithfull can get over Mick Jagger and Alexa Chung can get over Alex Turner, I know I’ll be okay.
And after all, in the wise words from the king of love himself, Mr. Chuck Bass:
If two people are meant to be together, eventually they’ll find their way back.
The public washrooms at my school will always be one of the biggest pet peeves I have. It amazes me that so many students and employees who have the educational capacity to pursue higher learning, can so easily pee on a seat and walk away. If you choose to not touch the seat while using the restroom, please take a quick look and clean up after yourself if you miss. Really, it’s only common courtesy. The amount of gross things I have seen in my three years at university are enough to give me nightmares. I’m talking blood, leftover products. Last week someone apparently decided to not even use the toilet and just popped a squat on the floor. I was fortunate not enough to be in the library at that time of the day, but I heard the rumors (Thanks, university problems twitter page!). It’s just so frustrating that I need to keep a mental list of what washrooms are designated “safe” zones to use, because I know they’re less likely of being a disaster. What’s worse is thinking of the poor maintenance staff that needs to clean these places. They probably think the worst of us students because of it. These people are going to be lawyers, and doctors and accountants. They’re going to edit your local newspaper and open galleries. They handle our education and finances and teach us. And they can’t even leave the washroom the same way they found it. Maybe that’s why our society is so screwed up: because the most educated of people can leave pee on a toilet seat and not feel any guilt.
I really hate trying to differentiate between real life situations and the things we watch happen on TV. Probably because things in real life are never quite as laid back and simple as the flawlessly portrayed characters of television make them out to be. Things just don’t happen that way, and sometimes it’s really bloody difficult to keep that in mind. When your love life is going as shit as mine is, all you want to do is cling to this sad idea that somethings going to happen to make it all better. The truth of the matter is that I adore a guy who doesn’t seem to have any intention of really being with me at the moment. And sometimes I’ll sit here and be upset at the fact that he’s off screwing around with other woman after I’ve made it perfectly clear that I’ve picked him. Then I usually snap out of it and realize that the only reason I’m upset about this is at all is because every TV romance has taught me that if a guy really wants to be with you he’ll just know. He’ll take one look at you and not want to be with anyone else, and if that doesn’t happen then you’re wasting your time. You better move on to someone who ” truly value’s you.” Life’s not really like that though, is it? We’re all different. Some people go to get ice cream and just know that they want Strawberry. And some people need to try a handful of flavors before they can commit to actually ordering a whole scoop of just one. Who’s to say that just because that person needed to try different flavors means that their choice was any less valuable once they made it. They’re still going to enjoy their ice cream as much as the person who knew what they wanted from the second they walked in. It’s just not easy to remember things like that when all this romantic crap is being shoved down your throat every time you log into your Netflix account. Every person and every situation is going to be different, and I’m starting to snap out of these expectations I keep putting on everything around me. Breathe in patience, and exhale my desires for every man to act like George Tucker. It’s just so lovely thinking that your presence could really mean that much to someone, that it makes you want to hold out for someone who really is a spitting image of your common heroin. But holding out for things to be like your favorite TV show or movie may just make you miss out on someone really worth waiting for.
Just in case you were wondering, I totally think this one is worth waiting for.
I’m twenty now. Acne is no longer acceptable. Please leave through the nearest exist.
First message, ever. This is an exciting moment. Thank you so very much, and please excuse me while I dance around my room in happiness, woot-woot!
College is hard, guys. It’s like high school, but leaning more into the real world. Everyone you know is somewhere on the spectrum of maturity, but it’s nearly impossible to differentiate. Like that kid sitting three rows down from you that thinks it’s totally appropriate to watch porn in the middle of lecture. (Tip: not very many of us need to see some girls leg bend in ways a leg shouldn’t bend. Chances are I’m now going to be questioning my own flexibility instead of focusing on the thrilling PowerPoint about thermal physics behind your screen. Thank you.) Another favorite of mine is the conversations I overhear in the women’s washroom. It usually starts with, “So last weekend we were at _____ house, right?” and ends with “So I know he hasn’t texted me all day but like, this is ridiculous. He can’t even talk to me for two seconds?” or some other middle school worthy interpretation of a boy’s actions. Guess what, ladies. If he wanted to talk to you, he’d text you. If he wanted to hangout, he’d ask. We go to a state university with over 30,000 students, chances are there will be someone just around the next corner that will gladly text you back after you slept with them in that bathroom that one time. Then you have someone that’s completely the opposite and totally has all their crap together. You know who I’m talking about. It’s the people that are in your 300 level classes that look like they’re twenty-five and belong on Wall Street. (How do you get your hair that straight this early, anyway?)
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle somewhere. You won’t see me in sweatpants in class, but I’ll walk in right on time with a cup of coffee in my hand. I’m not going to freak out about someone not calling, but am I really supposed to be okay with the guy I like sleeping with other people? I’m supposed to be an adult. You don’t see Zoe Hart freaking out after Wade slept around with other women, but you know she wasn’t okay with it. I think I forgot to make a few phone calls today, too. It’s a bit of a mess when you think about it.
Sometimes I wonder if we can use our student status as an excuse for our behaviors. It’s almost as if the fact that you have class the next morning makes it okay for you to drink something funky out of a bucket until you can’t remember how you got home. Then someone says the word “midterms” and everyone goes crazy. A good rule for everyone: regardless of how busy you may think you are, showering is always necessary.
At the same time you have the word “college student” looming over all your major life decisions. You have parents telling you to “grow-up” because now you need to pay for your education, so clearly that must mean your personality needs to change. Or your advisors that say you need to have six jobs, donate your left leg and spend all your early morning hours picking up garbage in the park in order to get into any professional school, ever. Do you have a spare minute? You better have something productive to do with it or you’re going to fail at life.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is how do you know what level of maturity you’re supposed to be at in college. Am I supposed to be wearing dress pants yet? Is it acceptable for me to be bitter about that guy that likes sleeping around? How am I supposed to know? I’m waiting around for this moment to occur when suddenly I realize that I need to act more grown-up, but it feels like it’s never going to happen. I think maturity is just one of those things that slowly creeps into your life one day at a time. One day you wake up and you no longer feel the need to wear your school colors in cotton blend from head to toe. Then the next week you start to realize that yeah, maybe I should have an internship by now. Or how about we find out what’s in that bucket of juice before we reach for a cup. Maybe one day I’ll even schedule my Starbucks stop into my morning schedule. Unfortunately I don’t think everyone matures at the same time, otherwise I wouldn’t have to watch the porn in front of me in lecture. But I’ve learned it’s definitely important to find those people that are close enough to your own level of maturity, just for the mere sake of keeping your sanity. If you can really have sanity in college.
Here is a letter that John Steinbeck wrote to his son Thom after he mentioned a crush in a letter home from college.
November 10, 1958
We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.
First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.
Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.
You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply—of course it isn’t puppy love.
But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it—and that I can tell you.
Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.
The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.
If you love someone—there is no possible harm in saying so—only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.
Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.
It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another—but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.
Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.
We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.
And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
One of my favorite movies is Liberal Arts. I remember watching it lazily one afternoon without any real expectations from it. But one of the main characters, Zibby (played by the ever charming Elizabeth Olsen) really resonated with me. It’s probably because most college students can relate to other college students on some basic level. However, there was this one quote that hit me more than any other. She’s trying to explain her experience with Jesse and says, "I sometimes feel like I’m looking down on myself. Like there’s this older, wiser me watching over this 19-year-old rough draft, who’s full of all this potential, but has to live more to catch up with that other self somehow. And, uh, I know I’ll get there. It’s just sometimes I think I want to rush the process, you know? And I don’t know, maybe, um - maybe I thought you were some sort of shortcut. Does that make any sense?"
I think from the second you graduate high school you’re just thrown into this pit of reality. Whether you’re at a four year college like me, or working or travelling the world. We get tossed along to the next part of our lives and are forced to grow up regardless of whether we think we’re ready or not. Then there are some of us, like Zibby and myself, who are ecstatic at the idea of being older. The ones that try and rush the process, who try and grow into their older selves and are impatient to fulfill our potentials.
Today I found myself looking at apartments on Craigslist in New York. I wouldn’t move for another year and a bit, but that doesn’t withhold the curiosity. It’s easy to be unhappy when you’re constantly thinking about all the things you know will happen. I can’t tell if it’s a secret desire to be more settled into life than I am right now, but there’s this impatience I have towards every aspect of my life. I think I would be a lot more happy if I just slowed down, and spent more time revelling in the fact that I’m twenty. Twenty! I don’t need to be grown into every part of my life. But here I am, wishing I could be job-hunting, or cooking my own dinner. Or buying a new throw pillow for the living room. But in reality I just finished writing a Physics quiz and got my dinner from a pasta place in my school’s cafeteria. Really classy, right?
I can’t imagine this restlessness going away anytime soon. The constant need to be doing more and living more is like split-ends. You can hide them, heal them, or cut them off - but they’ll be there again eventually.
Because I mean, who doesn’t want an apartment in the East Village with an exposed brick wall in the bedroom? I know this girl sure does.
Between October 18-20, I got the exquisite pleasure of attending Teen Vogue’s 2013 Fashion University. I happen to be a 2012 alum myself, so it was really lovely to get to go again. The classes I got to sit in were with Marie Suter, Alexa Chung, Coco Rocha, Erika Bearman, and the Teen Vogue Editors. All of these lectures were absolutely fantastic, and regardless of what career you want to have in your life there were lessons to take from each of them.
This particular post is about the lecture I heard from Erika Bearman. For those of you who live under a fashionable rock, she’s the Senior Vice President of Global Communications for Oscar de la Renta. Many people know her for her online personality, OscarPRGirl.
Besides the fact that she can make a pair of jeans look chic and phenomenal, she had so many wonderfully insightful things to say. As an aspiring surgeon at a weekend driven around careers in fashion, sometimes it gets hard to focus on my goals. However, the things Erika talked about were far more important than just her job. She talked about life, and experience and personal ethics. I found myself grabbing my phone immediately to catch some of the quotes that she was saying. Some of them being:
"Nobody is going to do it for you. No one is going to give you this amazing job […] No one cares. You have to take what you want."
"He said to just do you, and it took me four or five years to figure out what that was."
"The ones that don’t make it are the ones that don’t learn from their mistakes."
"[When you love your job] it all feels like life."
"You figure it out as you go, there are no answers."
"We’re all works in progress. Nobody’s perfect. Call your mom."
And most importantly, when talking about Oscar’s age with Elaine Wentworth,
"Everyone falls in love with him."
At the middle of a semester full of tough courses, the realness of her personality was such a nice boost. She’s completely right in saying that you need to work and go after the things, and the job, that you want. I think regardless of where you are in life, you can listen to the things she told us and take them to heart and carry them with you every day. There were people in that room that were as young as sixteen, and some of us that were older, but that was irrelevant. Some people see this glamorous woman who is so close to Oscar, and they don’t realize that it took her a lot of work to be who she is. Most importantly, she still works hard. Hard work never stops, you never get to that point where you can say “enough is enough” because then you stop improving, and you stop growing. It’s nice to be reminded of that sometimes.